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Feedback about April and others

Started by Masked, Oct 20, 2022, 04:24 PM

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MaskedTopic starter

Hey, I am the creator of the new April, Max(start at least), Jeremiah, Carl, and Sherilyn lines. I have already received some feedback on stuff needing improvement. That being the student event, her 'corruption' event, and the journal text and plan to do so. I want to get as much feedback as possible, though it will need to be a genuine criticism for me to consider it. If anyone legitimately goes "Scrap April's line" for example, that will be ignored.

April was the first line I created, and the others are similarly also done around the same time so I know these lines, like all lines in this game, could and do need some tweaking to get max enjoyment out of. Rather than expanding(other than Carl and Sherilyn) I am hoping to do some tweaking first to ensure the chains are working properly and not overly complicated.

 Also, bugs are something I don't really know how to fix, that is more a Barteke thing than my thing so legit bugs should be funneled to them rather than me so that it can be fixed for everyone.

 You can also leave lines you feel might be in desperate need of a touch-up as well. I've already started work on Sierra's line(Aka making it to where you both actually talk), and have finished reviving Karin's chain that's an alternative to Sierra's for getting the research notes. Though do note that once implemented, it will change how the measurement event works(aka it'll be a rule rather than an event tied solely to her) along with the mast chain(actual images for males if you're into guys and folding the two separate machine policies into a single policy).

RedRedReady

First off, thanks for writing new content for all of these characters. It's nice to be getting meaningful content, especially for the male characters. I've only played Carl's stuff all the way through so I'll limit my feedback to him for now.

To start with, I think the premise you've chosen for corrupting Carl is a good one. Getting turned on at work is a fairly innocuous starting point so it's a really good starting spot to show his gradual corruption and the public masturbation is a good in road to approaching him.

As much as I like the individual events you've done so far, I don't think they flow from one to the next as well as they could just yet and the naked workouts feel like something you should be doing a little later in Carl's story than you do right now. Maybe there ought to be an earlier step where you approach him about being his workout partner before you find out (or let on that you know) about him getting turned on all the time? Hell, being his gym buddy might be an opportunity to make his problem worse and trigger him masturbating in the school showers in the first place.

My suggestion would be for the sequence of events to go:

  • PI Investigation - unchanged
  • Catch him adjusting himself while teaching but instead of confronting him about it, complement him on his fitness and ask him about being your workout partner
  • Clothed workout events at the fitness studio, school or around town where you try to get him turned on while working out (eg go jogging along the beach so he can check out sunbathers, stand in front of him when doing squats so he checks out your ass, admire his muscles while he works out)
  • Hear the rumor about the shower masturbator
  • Catch him on camera and propose the naked workouts as a means of controlling his libido - unchanged
  • Naked workouts at his house - unchanged

I've suggested switching the order of the 2 pieces of leverage you get over Carl because the photo of him masturbating in the shower should be more compelling than you spotting him get hard in class, but you use it to get the lesser reward (minor PTA support) as opposed to the naked workouts/unconditional PTA support. This one might be a bit subjective and switching it may be more work than it's worth.

The only other suggestion is to change the event where 2 students talk about someone jacking off in the showers so that they're already talking when you arrive and move out of earshot once they've said what's important. It might be a little easier too if you move them to the changing rooms so they're in the place it supposedly happened. The conversation they have right now is a bit forced because they meet, say hi, immediately talk about someone jacking off in another building and then leave, all while you're watching. It'll feel more natural if you overhear them while they're bust doing something else, eg:

QuoteAs you enter the changing rooms, you see {Name1} leaning against the wall while he waits for {Name2} to finish putting on his shoes.

"{Name3} told me he came back after class for his gym bag yesterday and heard someone jacking off in here."

"Yeah, right. Who was it?"

"Dunno. He was too chicken to go see but he swears he heard moaning from the showers."

"No way, I bet he didn't hear shit! He tried to convince me Mr Walker had a semi in Gym class last week."

"Ha! Well if he did, {Name3} would be the first to know. Any excuse to stare at his crotch..."

The door swings shut behind them as they leave but you can still make out their laughter as they walk away.

I, err, might have gone a bit overboard the feedback. I've enjoyed what I've read so far, so please don't let this essay make you think otherwise. Take as much or as little of it on board as you like but please do keep it coming.

Oh and as far as other characters go, Andy could really use a rewrite. I hate almost everything about him: he doesn't act his age, his only personality trait is that he's obsessed with you, his crossdressing is superfluous when there's so few male characters and what I've played of Shimakaze does it better. You could make him a troublemaker who got expelled from his last school before he could graduate (tie in to Jeremy Hood?), or a dumb frat bro type that goes out partying and comes home drunk all the time, or the cassanova who uses his charms to try to coast through life (part-time stripper).

MaskedTopic starter

#2
Quote from: RedRedReady on Nov 08, 2022, 12:25 AMFirst off, thanks for writing new content for all of these characters. It's nice to be getting meaningful content, especially for the male characters. I've only played Carl's stuff all the way through so I'll limit my feedback to him for now.

To start with, I think the premise you've chosen for corrupting Carl is a good one. Getting turned on at work is a fairly innocuous starting point so it's a really good starting spot to show his gradual corruption and the public masturbation is a good in road to approaching him.

As much as I like the individual events you've done so far, I don't think they flow from one to the next as well as they could just yet and the naked workouts feel like something you should be doing a little later in Carl's story than you do right now. Maybe there ought to be an earlier step where you approach him about being his workout partner before you find out (or let on that you know) about him getting turned on all the time? Hell, being his gym buddy might be an opportunity to make his problem worse and trigger him masturbating in the school showers in the first place.

My suggestion would be for the sequence of events to go:

  • PI Investigation - unchanged
  • Catch him adjusting himself while teaching but instead of confronting him about it, complement him on his fitness and ask him about being your workout partner
  • Clothed workout events at the fitness studio, school or around town where you try to get him turned on while working out (eg go jogging along the beach so he can check out sunbathers, stand in front of him when doing squats so he checks out your ass, admire his muscles while he works out)
  • Hear the rumor about the shower masturbator
  • Catch him on camera and propose the naked workouts as a means of controlling his libido - unchanged
  • Naked workouts at his house - unchanged

I've suggested switching the order of the 2 pieces of leverage you get over Carl because the photo of him masturbating in the shower should be more compelling than you spotting him get hard in class, but you use it to get the lesser reward (minor PTA support) as opposed to the naked workouts/unconditional PTA support. This one might be a bit subjective and switching it may be more work than it's worth.

The only other suggestion is to change the event where 2 students talk about someone jacking off in the showers so that they're already talking when you arrive and move out of earshot once they've said what's important. It might be a little easier too if you move them to the changing rooms so they're in the place it supposedly happened. The conversation they have right now is a bit forced because they meet, say hi, immediately talk about someone jacking off in another building and then leave, all while you're watching. It'll feel more natural if you overhear them while they're bust doing something else, eg:

QuoteAs you enter the changing rooms, you see {Name1} leaning against the wall while he waits for {Name2} to finish putting on his shoes.

"{Name3} told me he came back after class for his gym bag yesterday and heard someone jacking off in here."

"Yeah, right. Who was it?"

"Dunno. He was too chicken to go see but he swears he heard moaning from the showers."

"No way, I bet he didn't hear shit! He tried to convince me Mr Walker had a semi in Gym class last week."

"Ha! Well if he did, {Name3} would be the first to know. Any excuse to stare at his crotch..."

The door swings shut behind them as they leave but you can still make out their laughter as they walk away.

I, err, might have gone a bit overboard the feedback. I've enjoyed what I've read so far, so please don't let this essay make you think otherwise. Take as much or as little of it on board as you like but please do keep it coming.

Oh and as far as other characters go, Andy could really use a rewrite. I hate almost everything about him: he doesn't act his age, his only personality trait is that he's obsessed with you, his crossdressing is superfluous when there's so few male characters and what I've played of Shimakaze does it better. You could make him a troublemaker who got expelled from his last school before he could graduate (tie in to Jeremy Hood?), or a dumb frat bro type that goes out partying and comes home drunk all the time, or the cassanova who uses his charms to try to coast through life (part-time stripper).

Quoting all of this because honestly, I have felt it was forced but your suggestions would definitely help a lot in making it flow. Heck, if you want jump onto the HHS+ discord and I'd be willing to help you if you want to add in any events for M/M and also any critiques you might have with pre-existing events. The writing team can always use new members to help it.

And Andy is in the text stage of rework by Ame(life stuff keeps delaying his progress) and the plan is to slowly have him be able to either be more jockish or more popular and fem. He probably still will be interested in the character beyond what your bro should have but it won't be his only trait.

squark

I like the flow of this quest but I have a question. Is the April storyline complete in the current public release?

MaskedTopic starter

Quote from: squark on Nov 22, 2022, 03:14 PMI like the flow of this quest but I have a question. Is the April storyline complete in the current public release?

Not yet, due to the amount of content I added for the amount of characters I did I went for a decent level of progression for all of them rather than a fully finished chain. It also won't be updated right away but will be worked on soon. Her chain will somewhat indirectly lead to Max's chain so I wanted to make sure the church was functional all the way through first in the pre-existing events. Reason I say that is because the corrupt church event actually was a great way to reduce arousal by setting it to 5 rather than adding by 5 for example.